


Norwegian Wood

by grayspider1974



Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, Vikings (TV)
Genre: Other, morning wood/urination/profanity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-28
Updated: 2017-03-28
Packaged: 2018-10-12 04:52:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10482486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grayspider1974/pseuds/grayspider1974
Summary: In which Floki the Forester gets flattened. This time, it's not the Gods that piss on him!





	

**Author's Note:**

> "Husquevarna" is the name of a Swedish company that manufactures chain saws, but I use it as an Entish swear word. "paskianen" means "son of a whore" in Finnish.

DAH-dee-dee-DAH-DAH-dee-dee-dah-dah-DAAAAH!  
Floki the Forester woke with a song from another century (the "Morning Song" from Peer Gynt, to be precise) echoing in his mind. The Gods sometimes brought him strange dreams, and sometimes they lingered even after he woke. He felt around under the duvet where his wife Helga slept. Her spot was still warm and smelled a bit like her, but she was already up and frying bacon. "Well!" he thought. "She's far too busy to help me deal with my morning wood, so I'll handle it myself." About five minutes later, it was hands off cock and on with socks, followed by wakey wakey eggs and bakey.  
"Floki," said Helga. "I wish you wouldn't use my eyeliner, because it makes you look like an Egyptian prostitute."  
Floki's fingers danced enigmatically in the air. "Do we have any pepper?"  
"We're out until the next raid," said Helga "unless that Karelian spice trader shows up again."  
"We wants it...we needs it...must have the pepper!" Floki croaked.  
Helga giggled. "Go on, or you'll be late for work!"  
DEE-dah-dah-DEE-dah-dah-DAH-dah-dah-dah went the music in Floki's head. He finished his breakfast, executed a dance step from his future life as a Broadway hoofer, and kissed his wife. "Whatever you say, my dear!" His house was not the grandest in Kattegat, but it was the neatest and the prettiest, and he had made all of the furniture rather than buy that cheap crap from Sweden. Floki considered putting hardwood doors on the kitchen cabinets, and sashayed out the door and down the path to Kattegat, so damn happy that he was miserable. He was joined on the woodlot by Rollo Lothbrook (who was known as the Crazy Bear to his face and That Drunk Idiot behind his back) and Rollo's nephew Bjorn, (known as Ironside and One Big Son Of A Bitch). The pair had gotten revoltingly drunk the night before, and had beat each other up. Rollo had a black eye and a massive hangover, whereas Bjorn had a split lip but no hangover at all due to the formidable constitution that was part of the reason why people called him Ironside. His uncle regarded him warily, but said nothing.  
"Please don't start arguing again," said Floki. "We're here to fell trees, not each other. Ragnar needs ships, and ships need trees, and.....oh!" Floki's eyes fell on a stand of fine Norway maples. "The wood for the ships can wait!" he cried. "These are the trees we cut today!" He set his axe to the nearest maple, but as soon as steel sank into wood, a booming voice interrupted him.  
"BAA-A-ROOM!" it thundered. "MORIMATE! SINCAHONDA!HUSQUEVARNA! THAT'S MY FOOT YOU JUST CHOPPED INTO, BUCKETHEAD!" Eyes like deep forest pools opened and glared down at Floki.  
Rollo dropped his axe and swore. "It's an Ent! A shepherd of the forest! My granny used to tell stories about them, but I thought she only saw them during ergot infestations!" while Bjorn Ironside prudently took to his heels.  
"HM? HOOM!" said the Ent, regarding them with a mixture of curiousity and contempt. Then he saw where the woodsmen had been at work over the previous month or so, and bellowed in rage so that the mountains resounded. He then got a grip on his emotions and spoke again. "MANY OF THESE TREES WERE MY FRIENDS....CREATURES I KNEW FROM NUT AND ACORN! I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ARSE, YOU TREE-KILLING PASKIANEN! I'M GONNA FELL YOU, STTRIP YOUR BARK, MAKE YOU INTO TOILET PAPER AND WIPE MY ARSE WITH YOU! BA-ROOM!"  
Floki fled, but not fast enough. The tree-shepherd caught him by the scruff of his neck, shook him like a terrier shaking a rat, and threw him to the ground. Then a stream of sap shot out and hit Floki in the face as Rollo followed his nephew's example and crept furtively away.  
"PISS ON NATURE, WILL YA?" boomed Treebeard. "WELL, THEN...NATURE WILL PISS ON YOU!"


End file.
